Hammer House of Horror: Volume 4 of 4 (1980)

The Thirteenth Reunion
Ruth (Julia Foster), a reporter for a small newspaper's 'women's section' goes undercover in a weight-loss clinic to find out if their unusual methods work or not. So far, so normal. But the clinic is up to something shady, so Ruth digs deeper.
The amateur sleuth vibe that you'd expect to accompany that kind of story is almost completely absent - whether by fault or design, I don't know. What remains is a woman who's out of her depth but determined to get the story, in the hope of helping her career. It's not a very engaging 50 mins, for the most part, only really coming alive in the last third. — 2½ virtues of necessity out of 5 —

Carpathian Eagle
Inspector Clifford (Anthony Valentine) investigates a series of murders in which male victims had their heart cut from their chest. At the same time an author (Suzanne Danielle) is researching a Carpathian Countess who did some grisly things in her spare time. The gathered evidence suggests supernatural means, but the sleuthing detective explores the psychological side, too. Not the typical Hammer Glamour model, the seductive murderess nevertheless successfully adds a touch of sexy class to the production. It also features Siân Phillips as a descendent of the bat-shit crazy Countess. — 3 jobs for the ladies out of 5 —

Guardian of the Abyss
If GotB was an attempt by Hammer to create something that feels like another Dennis Wheatley adaptation, then they succeeded, with bells on. It's not a carbon copy of The Devil Rides Out (1968), but it does have similarities; i.e. black magic rites, a private individual carrying out a time-sensitive investigation, and an initiate (Rosalyn Landor, who played Peggy in the aforementioned film) on the run from a hypnotising occultist. It's familiar thematically but still manages to hold its own in the TV medium. Overall, great stuff. — 3½ horror scopes out of 5 —

Growing Pains
A comfortably rich research botanist named Terence Morton (Gary Bond) and his diplomat wife Laurie (Barbara Kellerman) adopt a young boy named James (Matthew Blakstad), a replacement for the son they tragically lost. James is a polite youth, but his arrival brings with it some very strange happenings.
It's an average end to the short-lived series, but the acting is generally good and the predominant theme is well-explored. The ending, despite having some avoidable flaws, is also pretty dramatic. — 2½ living proofs out of 5 —

4 episodes, approx 51 minutes each.

Hammer House of Horror: Volume 3 of 4 (1980)

Rude Awakening
Denholm Elliott stars as an estate agent named Norman Shenley who gets stuck between a nightmare and a fantasy. On one side is Emily (Pat Heywood), his wife of many years, while on the other is Lolly (Lucy Gutteridge), the young, sexy secretary that he has eyes for. Norman's life is thrown into chaos when he's asked to survey a neglected manor house filled with fake cobwebs and accusing voices.
Directed by Peter Sasdy, whose Hammer credits include Countess Dracula (1971) and Hands of the Ripper (1971), the story plays around with what's real and what's imagined, hiding truths in the line between the two. — 3 bed roles out of 5 —

Charlie Boy
A timely windfall helps middle class Graham (Leigh Lawson) out of a financial pickle, but it comes with supernatural baggage; i.e. a hideous fetish statue - that's the totemic/juju kind, not the 'ooh, baby, spank me!' kind. Thereafter, we're treated to tragic events with ominous build ups that may just be coincidence but most likely aren't, because that would be boring. — 2½ travelling violations out of 5 —

Children of the Full Moon
A rather shocking opening scene (in any era, not just 1980) sets the tone for an entry that is by turns standard drama, creepy, gothic-esque, feral, and disquieting. The differing styles each serve a purpose and don't clash too much, thanks in part to the director (Tom Clegg) and the actors, including great work by Diana Dors.
It's an altogether classier piece than the previous episode, despite having a threat that's equally as overused in the horror genre. — 3 mutton broths out of 5 —

3 episodes, approx 51 minutes each.

Hammer House of Horror: Volume 2 of 4 (1980)

The Mark of Satan
Working in a hospital mortuary would be a difficult enough job ordinarily, but for new guy Edwyn Rord (Peter McEnry) having to deal with a philosophical pathologist and the hidden but encroaching forces of evil that are conspiring to destroy him makes it even more problematic. It's not just at work. Edwyn's home life isn't as secure as he'd like it to be. Dir. Don Leaver manages to accentuate the unease that the infatuated worker feels, transferring it to the viewer at the correct times and in the correct doses.  — 3 counts of evil out of 5 —

Witching Time
An overworked and stressed out film score composer (Jon Finch) has problems with women. Not only does he suspect his wife (Prunella Gee) of sleeping with another guy, but a fiery-haired mystery woman who claims to be from the 17th Century unexpectedly shows up and makes his life even more eventful.
Things turn more sinister in the second half, but overall it's not as good as the previous episode. The highlight is undoubtedly the scornful redhead, Lucinda (Patricia Quinn), who you'll maybe know better as Magenta from The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975). — 2½ cackles out of 5 —

Visitor from the Grave
A woman with a history of mental illness experiences a traumatic event when an uninvited visitor calls at her pleasant English cottage home.
It's another psychological story, mostly, with the 'horror' this time manifested as a morbid fear of slipping back into an unstable mindset and an equally debilitating fear of one's wrongful deeds being found out. It was my least favourite of the three, and is somewhat predictable, but the acting, particularly from Kathryn Leigh Scott, is enough to keep it from being boring. — 2½ chill pills out of 5 —

3 episodes, approx 51 minutes each.

The Magnificent Seven: Complete Series (1998–2000)

It doesn't take place before or after the existing films. It's its own thing in terms of both tone and continuity. And the men are all new, with the possible exception being Chris Larabee (Michael Biehn), clearly a small screen version of Chris Adams, the leader of the seven as first portrayed by Yul Brynner in the films; although the TV version of Chris is rightfully his own man, too, not a carbon copy of movie Chris.

With it being an ongoing series it made sense to localise the group, to give them a single town from which to operate, with the added benefit that it would provide a place that we as viewers can also form an attachment to. Although not always operating within the parameters of established law, the Seven nevertheless become the town's unofficial protectors. The unique skills that each man has is put to good use for its betterment; e.g. one is a healer, one an ex-preacher, etc.

Most of the time they get on well with each other, but because they have such different temperaments and goals in life there are occasional internal conflicts. It's a credit to the writers that the men all remain likeable even when they're clearly doing something morally wrong (mostly that means Ezra Standish). In truth, there wasn't a single one of them that earned permanent derision, perhaps because collectively they represent feelings or failings that most of us will have experienced or struggled with at some point in our life - they're relatable.

A number of recurring secondary characters play an important role, often as a voice of conscience or a lure of the heart, deepening and/or complicating the determination to defend and preserve the town. Yes, that sometimes means romance, but it's not always as straightforward as that statement might imply.

Season Two introduces Robert Vaughn as a Judge; Vaughn was one of the actors in the first Magnificent Seven (1960) film, but he played a different character.

Ironically, every once in a while the only reason the townspeople were placed in danger was because the bad guy(s) had gone there in order to confront or kill the Seven! But that's just life, right? Even good deeds have consequences.

22 episodes, approx 60 mins each (the Pilot is 90 mins).

4 holes in the clouds out of 5

Sapphire and Steel (1979-82)

I saw it first when I was a kid. I don't remember what age exactly, but it blew my young mind. I saw some of it again in my twenties. It blew my mind once more. You can guess where this is going... yup, and again in my thirties, mind blown. During all that time I encountered nothing else quite like it, so in my experience it's unique.

Wikipedia notes that the show's creator, Peter J. Hammond, gave it the working title of The Time Menders; and while not as seductive or as pleasing to say as Sapphire and Steel, it does a better job at describing what the series is as a whole.

The enigmatic duo are 'operators' that fix time when it goes wrong or when parts of it leak or break through barriers into other parts. It's known that there are 127 operators in total, of which Sapphire (Joanna Lumley) and Steel (David McCallum) are two. Their full role is a mystery, but part of their job is to mend fractures that exist between temporal states; they're a line of defence, preventing the malicious side of past, present and future from destroying itself and everything within it. Time itself is described as a corridor that encompasses all things, so in a way the operators are like interdimensional hall monitors maintaining order.

Joanna Lumley is radiant and sympathetic as Sapphire, although she can paradoxically be sometimes cold and detached at the same time. David McCallum is austere and methodical as Steel. Yes, both are like their names, but I've often wondered if the names came first or if the personalities preceded them.

Stories (called 'assignments') are multi-part, so while there are 34 episodes in total there are only 6 assignments and it's best if you make time to watch all of one assignment in one sitting. Each assignment has a resolution but don't expect to have all questions answered. It's deliciously cryptic but not to the point of bafflement. The editing and use of sound are excellent, keeping events tense and flowing, always engaging and often eerie - at times even chilling.

I feel that the low budget actually works in the production's favour. The feeling that we're on a sound stage adds to the unsettling nature of the environments. It's almost as if for the duration of the assignment they've lost the intangible sense of safety that we unconsciously attribute to traditional notions of reality.

34 episodes, approx 25 minutes each.

5 side doors out of 5

Into the Labyrinth (1981-82)

Three youths, Phil, Helen and Terry (as pictured), shelter in a nearby cave when a freak storm breaks out. It's there that they find Rothgo, a formidable but weakened soul with the kind of powers we'd normally associate with sorcerers of bygone eras. He enlists the children's help to retrieve an ancient and powerful artefact.

To attain the Nidas, as it's known, the kids must venture into the Labyrinth, a gateway to other times. It's a perilous journey and like all good children's TV shows it has an antagonist that's truly memorable, but I'll get to her eventually.

It sounds like a standard set-up so far, but it has elements that raise it above the norm. Firstly, Rothgo, played by Ron Moody (who you may know better as Fagan in Oliver! (1968), Carol Reed's version of Oliver Twist) brings a Shakespearean sensibility to his scenes. Perhaps being limited to a stage-like setting was the reason or perhaps not - whatever the case, he helps turn what could've been an archetypal mentor character into an emotional one, desperate to save himself but likewise prepared to sacrifice his goal should the need arise.

While the search is ongoing from week to week, the structure is episodic. Both the Nidus and the children are bounced around notable historical periods, creating something akin to a merger of fantasy, sci-fi and period drama. Following them through time is a power-hungry witch named Belor who's hell-bent on attaining the artefact's power for herself, and if she can't have it then no one will.

The beautiful but evil Belor, a toxic yet alluring combination, was played by Pamela Salem. Wow - what an absolute star she was! Salem hammed it up in an immensely dramatic fashion when necessary but in such a way that she owned every scene. She embodied a collection of detestable traits but I was completely smitten by her enthusiasm and grace. Full marks for her.

Some folks will criticize the fact that the same cave interior is repeatedly used, over and over, rearranged or revamped a little each time with the application of new set dressings. It's a legitimate complaint but not one that I was at all bothered about. Like I said before, it was a stage-like environment, and that's how it works on stage. I even began to look forward to the changed trappings, evaluating their placement and usefulness. I was never disappointed.

21 episodes (07 Eps x 03 Series), approx 26 mins each.

4½ shining reflections out of 5

Bad Influence! (1992-96)

My first thought was, 'Who let Andy Crane out of the broom cupboard?', but he did an okay job on his feet, showing an admirable amount of enthusiasm in the presenter role. His co-host of the show is Violet Berlin, which is a name that most UK folks who were into gaming back in the 90s will recognise.

It wasn't as good as the similarly themed GamesMaster (1992-98) series that aired on a rival channel, but Bad Influence!'s focus was broader.

It states on Wiki that the show was like a 'Tomorrow's World' for kids, which is an observation I agree with. Of course, it means nothing if you don't already know what kind of a show Tomorrow's World was. In both cases, new technology that was either still under development, in the testing phase or already on the market was showcased in an easy to understand way that didn't compromise the scientific nature or importance of the product. Features were either in the studio or on location and showed the presenter(s) getting hands-on with the new tech.

The techy stuff was cool, but the main focus was Video Games, Consoles and Home Computers. By 1992 the 16 bit consoles had taken a strong hold, but CD-based options were appearing. It's fun to look back and see how things like the Panasonic branded '3DO Interactive Multiplayer' and the 'Phillips CD-i' were heralded as the next big thing, when in fact they were the next big failures.

Interestingly, product reviews even included third-party devices, such as the kind that enabled gamers to circumvent copy protection on cartridges, allowing for import carts to be played on UK machines. The friendly warning that the use of such gray area products voided your warranty seemed more like a necessary addition to keep the team on the right side of the law than anything else.

The competitions were mostly amazing; in one episode they even gave away a Neo Geo with games! In the UK at the time, a Neo Geo was like the Holy Grail - in fact, it was better, because you can't play Metal Slug on the Holy Grail.

57 episodes, approx 20 minutes each.

3 super-fast datablasts out of 5

Knightmare (1987–94)

As a young Faustus I loved all things fantasy and supernatural. Fighting Fantasy books, Dragonlance and Forgotten Realms novels, HeroQuest gaming sessions, etc, so it's no great surprise that Knightmare fit perfectly into my life.

Four adventurers (kids under 16) entered the Castle of Confusion in the hope of conquering its dungeon. One wore the Helmet of Justice, which limited what he/she could see, and entered the dungeon proper. The remaining three stayed behind to act as guides, able to see on a screen where their friend was, to direct and keep the Dungeoneer from falling into imaginary pits of doom and suchlike.

The rules of the game were overseen by Treguard the Dungeon Master, pictured above, a noble(ish) born Saxon, he would give occasional clues and hints to either help solve a puzzle or feed the team's nervousness. Treguard rocks!

Even though it was all for the children, the adults were the real stars. They treated the chroma key (blue screen) locations as a kind of stage, treading boards that weren't there as enthusiastically as they would if they actually did exist. In short, they were a theatre troupe doing what they do best: bringing theatrical life to an otherwise empty space. In addition, they had to ad lib when the kids turned out to be more stupid than they'd anticipated for, which was often. It's not unfair to say that some of the contestants hit every branch of the stupid tree when they fell.

Each year the dungeon would shift, offering new challenges and presenting new recurring characters. Even Trequard (Hugo Myatt) got himself an aide or two, my favourite being the elf Pickle (David Learner), who started out a little annoying but grew into a truly memorable part of the show in his second year.

The rules were unevenly enforced; it could be overly-harsh one minute and too forgiving the next, depending on how thick the kids were. It started out pandering to them, but soon got bored with that approach. In S3 the cast toyed with humiliating them, successfully, and in S4 the level design almost sent a few of the clumsier ones to the casualty ward. When a team who knew what they were doing featured, the show became the thing that it was envisioned to be: magical.

112 episodes, approx 25 minutes each.

4½ watchers of illusion out of 5

Hammer House of Horror: Volume 1 of 4 (1980)

The House That Bled to Death

A haunted house story set in a modest home on a typical suburban street. The studio uses the lower budget to its best advantage; the familiarity of the surroundings being more relatable to many folks than an ancient and gothic castle on a hill. It strives for a perpetual sinister aura but falls a little short of the mark most the time... until the blood! — 2½ leaky pipes out of 5 —

The Silent Scream

Hammer Films regular Peter Cushing brings his talents to the small screen alongside another fine actor, Brian Cox. Cushing is a pet store owner. Cox is an ex-con, fresh from the big house.
The camerawork is solid throughout and there's an occasional dramatic flair from the lighting department.
It's certainty a horrifying experience for the characters, but is more of a suspense story for the viewer, even providing some audible triggers that move us closer to the edge of our seats each time they ring out. — 4 natural instincts out of 5 —

The Two Faces of Evil

Director Alan Gibson had worked for Hammer more than once prior to The Two Faces, but the single episode is without a doubt his best work for the studio. It's really amazing. I'll even go so far as to say it's almost Nic Roeg quality at times.
The hospital setting was beautifully lit and shot; the blinding white existing alongside the gray and black was reflective of certain parts of the story. I found the daylight scenes there intensely creepy; a feeling brought on by more than just the canted camera angles.
Like the previous episode, it's not cut from the traditional gothic horror template. It's a psychological terror experienced by a woman in her role as wife and mother as the world she knows and trusts begins to change. — 4 upturns out of 5 —

3 episodes, approx 51 minutes each.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015)

(exasperated) Yes, there was weird sex stuff in the bunker.

Kimmy Schmidt was forced into a cult and locked in an underground bunker for 15 years with 3 other women and the cult leader who told them that an apocalypse had destroyed the surface. When they are rescued by the police, they gain instant celebrity status. This doesn't sit well with Kimmy who just wants to live a normal life and decides to stay in New York where she can blend in easier than back home. She is very upbeat and unlike other fish-out-of-water tales isn't stupid or incredibly naive(only a little), just out of touch. She will attempt to overcome this with the help of her new roommate Titus, a gay black man with aspirations to sing, but who instead passes out flyers while in costume and her landlord, a seemingly sweet older lady who still slings drugs and is not quite all there either because of age or aforementioned drugs. Kimmy's uplifting enthusiasm is a perfect role for Ellie Kemper and there is a surprise in Jane Krakowski who expertly plays a rich trophy wife who meshes pretty well with Kimmy as they are both out of touch. Kimmy because of kidnapping and Mrs. Voorhees because she is super rich and has long forgotten how to take care of herself.

The show was originally made for NBC who passed on it probably because it was just too weird and oblique for a mainstream audience, but it has all the trappings of a broadcast sitcom until it eventually doesn't have to be. This works both for and against it as the jokes can flow much more freely without fear of censors, but the pacing gets off track and disjointed. There isn't a whole lot of focus on the various plotlines and either because of budget and/or writing, characters and stories come and go haphazardly. Krakowski especially disappears mostly in the middle and only reappears for the final storyline in the end which is a shame since her and Kimmy's dynamic was among the funnier bits. While there are clever jokes and the random naive outbursts from Kimmy (like unknowingly using "urethra" instead of "Eureka") are funny and plentiful, there is just as much humor drawn from the well of bland and offensive stereotypes whether it be Titus flipping through all the tropes of a stereotypical gay man or an immigrant friend with an unconvincing asian accent (intentional or not it is just annoying). It is still very watchable and since the Netflix deal guarantees a 2nd season, here's hoping any problems can be ironed out.

Buyer's Guide:

Available now streaming on Netflix.

3½ viral video remixes out of 5

Justice League (2001-04)

Seven heroes fighting as one unit, each bringing individual strengths and weaknesses, creating opportunities and anticipating reactions, kicking villainous ass in dramatic set-pieces that give way to relatable human drama is what made Justice League one of the best cartoons that I’ve ever seen, especially Season 2.

Quite often it’s the City of Metropolis under threat, but, while not explicitly stated, the War of the Worlds style attacks in the very first arc make it clear that the danger isn't just going to be of global origin, it’ll be intergalactic. The typical focuses are there, of course, such as the folly of those with power, the corruption of the weak-willed in the face of that same power, and the way in which good intentions ill-conceived can be catastrophic to all, but like the comic from which the show took its name the stories aren't unwilling to stray into surreal situations in its exploration of such things. JL is storytelling without constraints.

Superman and Batman will be the big draw for most people, but not all heroes have an active role in every episode. The writers were wise enough to know that specific character-centric episodes would suffer if someone who adds nothing of value to the story was shoehorned in for appearances' sake. Hawkgirl is somewhat underused in the early episodes, but they make up for it in spades as things go on and she develops into one of the most interesting of the seven.

Each personality is unique: Batman and Superman are similar to how they were in their respective series; Flash is impetuous; Green Lantern is tactical; Hawkgirl is hasty and combative; Jonn is resourceful; and Wonder Woman is inexperienced because, unlike in the comics, she’s new to the whole superhero thing, having left her home just prior to the team forming. Despite the differences and personality clashes, a mutual respect and well-placed trust binds them (and everyone who isn't Batman likes to laugh at the Dark Knight’s Mr Serious attitude).

What’s equally as exciting is that, with the exception of just one episode, every story is at least a two-parter! The one standalone is a Christmas episode that’s more entertaining than anything 'festive' has any right to be.

52 episodes, approx 22 minutes each, split over 2 seasons. The show changed name to 'Justice League Unlimited' the following year, but I consider it more of a sequel than a typical next season, so it's not included here.

5 chest-emblems out of 5

GamesMaster (1992-98)

For the people that saw GamesMaster back in the day, that watched Dominick Diamond in his presenter pants talk straight-faced about waggling his joystick in public, the warm fuzzies of nostalgia that accompany this post are for you.

For everyone else, yes, the disembodied head in the picture above is the one and only astronomer extraordinaire Sir Patrick Moore. He was the godfather figure on the first ever dedicated video games show on UK TV.

GM went to places that other shows didn't. It plumbed the furrows and poked the holes. It even reached around without being asked because it cared. It was dangerous. In truth it was nothing more than innuendo, but if your mother walked in at the wrong time she’d be outraged. That just made it better!

As an adult now, I can see how Dom’s “verbose vernacular” could be perceived inappropriate and occasionally borderline pornographic by the emotionally stunted, but it didn't stop me chuckling the same all over again.

Dom left after Series II and was replaced by Dexter Fletcher, who was arrogant and shouty. It was a disaster. That’s all I have to say about Series III.

Mercifully, Dom returned for Series IV - VII. The innuendo was slightly curtailed, but the elevated icy sarcasm more than compensated. It’s as if he thought ‘I don’t give a toss about decorum or Channel 4. If they sack me, I’ll go out a winner.’ He'd perv the ladies and ridicule the men equally. The weekly mocking of Dave Perry, an act Dave seemed unaware of for the longest time, was pure gold.

Commentators and reviewers were from popular games magazines of the time, such as C+VG, Game Zone and my favourite, the one my paper round money paid for, Mean Machines. They dished out ridiculous scores of 80 and 90% for games we found out were turds when we rented them illegally from the unscrupulous but enterprising video store owner at the arse-end of town. Every town had one.

It was the era of the Mega Drive, SNES and Amiga; of Sensible Soccer, New Zealand Story, Alien Breed, and micro spring joysticks that broke about a week after purchase (but could we ever find that damn receipt?). Sonic 2, the slowed down PAL version, was a cutting edge new game! Bloody hell.

As the years went on the fast-loading, cartridge-based systems were forced into retirement as a cocky newcomer, the optical disc, arrived and seductively stroked the pockets of gamers the world over hungry for innovation. Little did we know it would lead to draconian business practices, patches, DLC and Season Passes.

126 episodes, approx 25 minutes each.

4 tight right-handers out of 5

Batman Beyond: Complete Series (1999-2001)

aka Batman of the Future

The team that created Batman Beyond achieved the near-impossible: they made a show that's the equal of Batman: The Animated Series (1992-95) and they did it without having Bruce Wayne as the lead! Holy Personnel Changes, Batman.

It's set in 2039, forty years after TAS' successor, The New Batman Adventures (1997-97), and continues the continuity set up by both it and TAS. The era of the original crusader has passed. The world has moved on. Gotham has evolved into Neo-Gotham, a towering, high-tech megalopolis wherein the crime and corruption is as rife in the shiny office buildings as it is on the late night docks. Bruce (Kevin Conroy) is still around, possibly because, like one of his contemporaries said, he's too stubborn to die. He is, however, a retired, cranky and cynical recluse that rarely leaves the Manor.

Enter Terry McGinnis (Will Friedle), a seventeen-year-old high school student with a criminal record. Terry has the kind of family upbringing that was denied Bruce, but they have something in common nonetheless: they share a similarly strong moral belief and a desire to see justice carried out. When Terry takes up the mantle he becomes both the symbol that teaches and the student. Bruce, through a two way communication device in the new bat suit, gives advice and support, but it's Terry that takes the weight (and the punches and kicks, etc).

The show references the past in many ways. One of which is the biker gang that terrorises the city and its citizens. They're like a cross between the typical garden variety thug and the Clowns from Akira (1988). They're the painted-faced Jokerz, styled after the original Joker that caused Bruce grief decades before.*

It'll occasionally go further and build an entire episode around something from the past, but never as a means to milk old glories or hide failings. Instead, it's a knowing nod to TAS fans, because BB stands firm on its own two (rocket) feet.

Alongside the criminal of the week it introduces a new roster of regular villains and madmen, some more memorable than others. My personal favourites are the tricky Spellbinder (Jon Cypher), the mysterious Inque (Shannon Kenny), and the clumsy but dangerous anarchist Mad Stan (Henry Rollins).

52 episodes, approx 22 minutes each, split over 3 seasons.

5 critical lifesaving clues out of 5

*There's a feature length entry titled Return of the Joker (2000) that's a must-see for fans of both BB and TAS. If possible seek out the uncut version.

The A-Team: The Complete Series (1983–87)

I was reminded recently that the question, "Why do you watch that crap?" makes me less inclined to validate the reasons for my own choices and instead more aware of the hidden agenda of the person asking it. It's not a genuine inquiry. It's a thinly disguised insult. With that in mind, I feel sorry for anyone who didn't have The A-Team in their front room as a kid. Not having Sergeant First Class 'B.A.' Baracus, Colonel John 'Hannibal' Smith, Lieutenant Templeton 'Face' Peck and Captain 'Howling Mad' Murdock to provide escapism and feed the imagination is like having an integral part of a happy childhood denied you. It's like having never played with LEGO. It's like having never tasted strawberry sherbets in summer.

Being a fan of The A-Team was a privilege; one that was available to every sighted person who owned a working TV, whether it was the rich kid with a silver spoon feeding both ends simultaneously, or the ostracised, abused kid with an alcoholic father whom everyone thought was destined to be the same.

The show taught us that with good friends and a little ingenuity we could stand up to the bullies. (It made me want friends that I could rely on as much as the team relied on each other. I don’t know if I ever had them. I like to think that I had.)

It taught us that money isn't important to happiness, which was the opposite of what most corporate 80s TV programs wanted us to think, and it repeatedly showed that a selfless good deed is its own reward.

It taught us that Hannibal loves it when a plan comes together.

It taught us that villains will always get up afterwards with nothing more serious than dizziness and a bruised ego. But that part was a lie. In so doing, whether intentional or not, that same lie taught us that real life wasn't always like TV.

In the past year I've thought more than a dozen times that whichever post I'm working on at the time is the last one I'm making on this particular site, but I keep coming back. It's now clear to me why: I want to give all the people who get asked "Why do you watch that crap?" an incentive to revisit the reasons why they did watch it and to remember what it was that they gained from doing so. If you love something, scream it from the rooftops.

(What you're reading isn't the kind of review I was expecting to write when I sat down. I'd planned some jokes about B.A.'s bad acting, Hannibal's bad disguises, Murdock's tee-shirts, Face's shameless sexism and how in a pinch the team could build a tank from an egg box, but you've heard all those jokes before. This way, when the time comes for me to ride off into the sunset, I'll be entirely satisfied.)

98 episodes (5 Seasons), approx 47 minutes each, split over 27 discs.

5 wheel cams out of 5

Tabitha: Complete Series (1976–78)

It was sad to see Bewitched (1964-72) end but it had a heck of a good run and it struggled in the final season to keep the format interesting. A series that focussed on a grown up Tabitha Stephens seemed like the next natural choice.

There were two pilots; neither of which stray too far from the established format. The first was set in San Francisco and acknowledged the changing times, specifically the role of women who were no longer unfairly depicted as dutiful housewives. It had Tabitha (played by Liberty Williams) working as an editorial assistant (secretary). She’s joined by her brother Adam (David Ankrum), a Warlock who relies on his powers frequently. The comedy is targeted toward a slightly younger adult demographic than Bewitched had been.

It was unfairly scrapped and a second, inferior pilot commissioned. Liberty Williams was replaced by Lisa Hartman. The drama was moved to Los Angeles and Tabataha became a Production Assistant at a Television studio. She follows in Samantha’s footsteps by choosing to live among mortals as one of them.
In a complete reversal, her brother Adam, who is inexplicably older than his sister despite having been born second, struggles to get her to refrain from using her twitchy-witchy powers. He essentially becomes Darrin, expect he’s not married to his witch because that would be weird.

Samantha’s flamboyant Aunt Minerva (Karen Morrow) is a regular. Her character is a desperate attempt to compensate for the lack of Endora, but you can’t replace Agnes Moorehead no matter how much you may want or need to.

I don’t think it’s the travesty that many people claim, but the magic is absent - I mean the character type, not the witch type. It was beholden to something much better than it could ever hope to be, so from day one it was caught between a rock and a hard place; i.e. Bewitched and a Bewitched fan’s expectations.

13 episodes (inc. pilots), approximately 24 minutes each.

2 family secrets out of 5

The Unusuals (2009)

Be on the lookout for a male wearing a hot dog costume, last seen running west on Halston Street. Suspect may or may not be wielding a samurai sword.

Casey Schraeger is young detective working in the Vice department of the NYPD when she is suddenly transferred to homicide to replace a cop who was just murdered. That is all on the surface, but she is also tasked by her new sergeant to secretly uncover any secrets and improprieties of not only the murdered cop, but also his former partner/her new partner, Jason Walsh as well as the other detectives in the department. Detective Banks is so paranoid that he will die that he sleeps in his bulletproof vest, has foam padding around the edge of his desk, and replaced all his furniture with inflate-able chairs. Detective Delahoy has recently found out he has a brain tumor, but hasn't told anyone and refused treatment out of fear of what the treatment might do to him which ironically has made him somewhat more fearless in contrast with his partner, Banks. There is also Detective Cole who is a hardcore Christian whose faith is unwavering and his partner Detective Beaumont who is a tough, no nonsense Hispanic woman.

They will all work to solve cases that are rather unusual with the gritty atmosphere mashing with comedic insanity. Like the murder of a naked man running down the street, or the disappearance of a nursing home patient despite him being declared dead. What seems like another police procedural is actually a black comedy that is focused less on the procedure and more on the characters who are all interesting and nuanced and only become more so as viewers get to know them and as Casey learns more about their secrets. The shows premise is a good one even if the whole secrets shtick is finished about halfway through the 10 episode run. The conclusion of that particular plotline would have made a decent finale other than the episode that became the finale because of cancellation. It was a fine episode, just not a spectacle like most finales are, but the episodes after that are still good, one of them being my personal favorite. Great characters, full of wit and some decent action. I only torture myself wishing it would come back for more than 10 episodes when I know it won't.

Buyer's Guide:
Available on a 2 disc DVD set, the dvd mail part of Netflix, Amazon Instant Video, and for free on digital streaming service Crackle.

4½ Unusual interrogations of cat murderers out of 5

Silicon Valley (2014)

Kid Rock is the poorest person here aside from you guys. There is 40 billion dollars of net worth walking around this party and you guys are standing around drinking shrimp and talking about what cum tastes like.

Richard Hendricks is a programmer who works at Hooli, a fictional facsimile of tech companies like Google, who lives in an incubator: a group home for programmers who pay rent with a share of any future programs they may or may not sell. When a piece of code he writes shows promise, he is quickly thrust into the high stakes world of Silicon Valley venture capitalists and billionaire CEO's, a situation which he is completely unprepared for with just being a stereotypical tech nerd who is prone to panic attacks and anxiety induced vomiting. To help build his new tech start-up he enlists his incubator roommates, Dinesh and Guilfoyle, along with the incubator landlord, Erlich Bachman, who comes along since the terms of the incubator gives him 10 percent of the new company. They all bring something to the table despite their idiosyncrasies like Dinesh and Guilfoyle's constant competition with each other and Erlich's penchant for grandstanding and taking copious amounts of drugs.

Mike Judge uses his insider knowledge of the tech world to make a hilarious and witty send-up of tech culture. The humor from the show uses nerd stereotypes, but in a way that isn't watered down with offensively inoffensive sitcom jokes. It both prods and revels in geekdom  like Big Bang Theory wishes it did. There is much less of the technobabble that is part of most other shows since the creators and producers are steeped in the culture or did their research so jokes made about, say, videogames sounds natural instead of forced and borderline insulting and derisive. The show is well produced which isn't surprising given the HBO pedigree and the only real shame is there is only 8 episodes.

Buyer's Guide:
Available streaming on HBO GO and iTunes as well as DVD and BluRay sets from hbo.com.

5 Fucking Billionaires out of 5

Tremors: The Series (2003)

The short-lived series takes place after the events of Tremors 3: Back to Perfection (2001), so it’s advisable to watch T3 first. I'm going to proceed under the assumption that you already have. If not, then any spoilers you encounter for the first three films from this point onward aren't my fault.

Were back in Perfection Valley, Nevada, home of gun-loving Burt Gummer (Michael Gross) and his very own Moby Dick, the state protected Graboid known as El Blanco. The small community refuse to move, and the indigenous El Blanco is unable to move because of the mountainous regions on either side, so a co-existence is the only answer. Luckily, for us viewers but not for the residents, Perfection Valley has other secrets under its sands, so there’s more than just El Blanco to keep the watchful eye of Burt twitching.

A new guy, Tyler Reed, rolls into town eager to stretch his liability insurance to breaking point by earning a living in the place that does for giant worms what Roswell does for little grey men. Tyler is the everyman, there to balance out Burt’s paranoia with occasional bouts of rationality. A few other returning movie characters cameo from time to time. And what’s even better in my book is that Christopher Lloyd drops in once or twice! A crazy doc makes every show better.

It’s been squeezed to fit the small screen but it’s unmistakably Tremors. The creature of the week scenario is a little overused but it's often a catalyst for the community to come together and for the characters to bond. They’re strongest when standing side by side and sharing a common goal. If that goal turns a profit then it's all the better, because dangerous living costs money.

13 episodes, approximately 43 minutes each.

Six of the episodes are part of an ongoing story arc involving a shady organisation that had been dabbling in things they ought not to have been dabbling in. Burt (not good with people) is tested more than he ever thought possible by the new developments. Sadly, the series was cancelled, so we never got to find out what would've happened when _____ went to _____ and opened _____. Oh, my!

3 twitchometers out of 5

Titus Seasons 1 & 2 (2000-2001)

"The Los Angeles Times states "63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional." That means we're the majority. We're normal. It's the people that had the mom, dad, brother, sister, little white picket fence, those people are the freaks."

Christopher Titus comes from a family that would be considered "dysfunctional". The half hour episodes would open with Titus in a black and white room talking directly to the audience and often relay some quote or story that is thematically part of the plot of the episode which are pulled almost verbatim from his one man comedy show Normal Rockwell Is Bleeding which was itself based on his real life. He grew up with his father who was a hard drinking, smoking, womanizing, 5-time divorcee who perpetually berates and belittles Titus and his idiot, stoner brother Dave in what he sees as a tough love approach to parenting. His mother was a violent, alcoholic, manic-depressive schizophrenic who was in and out of mental hospitals. As an adult he now runs his own hot-rod body shop with his brother and his best friend Tommy who is anxious and effeminate, which means he is constantly the butt of gay jokes despite being heterosexual. Titus is often only managing this craziness with the help of his girlfriend, Erin, who also comes from a dysfunctional family of alcoholic thieves and drug dealers, but has managed to grow into a somewhat normal person. The episodes would then end in the black and white "neutral space" where Titus would reiterate what he said before but now with the meaning skewed and turned on its side.

The show would often take on subject matter that other shows would fear to tread except in a special episode with a viewer discretion disclaimer. Titus would revel in it and crack fun at them while still treating the subject matter with respect whether it was sexual harassment, substance abuse, murder, suicide, etc. This puts the show squarely in the section of black comedy and it was actually part of the show's downfall. The battle with censors and the network over content was constant with Titus relaying one story about how he had to read the script for an episode page by page to an executive on the phone to convince him how it could be funny that they have to convince his father to resume drinking rather than quit because sobriety made him boring and listless. The shows were also different in shooting style as it was shot in real time in front of a studio audience on a set like a play usually in just one location. The laugh track is actually the audience members. Flashbacks and the neutral space interruptions were also played for the audience so it was seen almost exactly as it would be on air. Episodes were mostly self-contained with no overarching story with only a few bits of continuity which was only really thrown out of whack when the network would push episodes out of order for fear of its controversial plot. With its mostly untread material on network TV, its sharp and witty comedic timing and very non politically correct characters, there was nothing quite like it at the time. While it may feel a little dated now, the show still holds up on repeat viewings.

Buyer's Guide:
The DVD sets are now out of print and only available second hand which is a shame as this would be perfect for binge viewing on Netflix or other streaming service. There is a decent amount of bonus content on the discs if one does manage to grab a set.

4½ Don't be a wussy out of 5

The Royle Family: The Complete Collection (2013)

A fly on the wall style comedy about a stereotypical Manchester family who spend their lives on the sofa watching crap on television. They’re average Joes; common as shit, with a sideboard full of useless tatt and a TV remote held together with some quick-fix insulating tape. Until you warm to the flawed characters, or recognise something of your own family in them, it’s hard to see how it could possibly be entertaining. It may take more than one episode for that to happen. Waiting a week for one instalment is the worst way to experience anything episodic, but happily the series has ended, so you can binge.

The head of the family, Jim Royle (Ricky Tomlinson), is the star. His every second outburst is some kind of sarcastic, critical reproach or joke at someone else’s expense. When not making friends that way, he’s scratching himself or picking his nose. Jim unashamedly does all the things publicly that most men do privately (expect that!). There’s a little bit of Jim in everyone.

His long-suffering wife Barbara (Sue Johnston) is cook and cleaner. She likes to gossip but has a heart of gold beneath the outer shell. Somehow she and Jim mustered up the enthusiasm to have two children: twenty-something layabout Denise (Caroline Aherne) and her dogsbody brother Anthony (Ralf Little). He gets less screen time than the others, but he’s my second favourite character.

Outside of the core family, a small number of friends and neighbours pop in when they need something. It’s a small cast but you’ll be hard-pressed to find a better written set of characters in a sitcom. They share mannerisms and exhibit inherited traits like a real family who spend all their time together would.

In the three years that the weekly show ran, the camera never left the house interior. We were given glimpses of the outside world but it wasn't until the specials came along that the exterior was explored. When it happens that first time, have your hankies at the ready because it’s one of the most unforgettable and emotionally powerful TV moments I've ever witnessed. Really.

20 episodes, most of which are approx 30 minutes each, and 5 specials that run longer. Everything up to and including the 2006 special is quality, but everything afterwards was less successful. There was an attempt to wed absurdest comedy into the mix, which really didn't work.

3½ bacon-butties (made by Anthony) out of 5