Hammer House of Horror: Volume 4 of 4 (1980)

The Thirteenth Reunion
Ruth (Julia Foster), a reporter for a small newspaper's 'women's section' goes undercover in a weight-loss clinic to find out if their unusual methods work or not. So far, so normal. But the clinic is up to something shady, so Ruth digs deeper.
The amateur sleuth vibe that you'd expect to accompany that kind of story is almost completely absent - whether by fault or design, I don't know. What remains is a woman who's out of her depth but determined to get the story, in the hope of helping her career. It's not a very engaging 50 mins, for the most part, only really coming alive in the last third. — 2½ virtues of necessity out of 5 —

Carpathian Eagle
Inspector Clifford (Anthony Valentine) investigates a series of murders in which male victims had their heart cut from their chest. At the same time an author (Suzanne Danielle) is researching a Carpathian Countess who did some grisly things in her spare time. The gathered evidence suggests supernatural means, but the sleuthing detective explores the psychological side, too. Not the typical Hammer Glamour model, the seductive murderess nevertheless successfully adds a touch of sexy class to the production. It also features Siân Phillips as a descendent of the bat-shit crazy Countess. — 3 jobs for the ladies out of 5 —

Guardian of the Abyss
If GotB was an attempt by Hammer to create something that feels like another Dennis Wheatley adaptation, then they succeeded, with bells on. It's not a carbon copy of The Devil Rides Out (1968), but it does have similarities; i.e. black magic rites, a private individual carrying out a time-sensitive investigation, and an initiate (Rosalyn Landor, who played Peggy in the aforementioned film) on the run from a hypnotising occultist. It's familiar thematically but still manages to hold its own in the TV medium. Overall, great stuff. — 3½ horror scopes out of 5 —

Growing Pains
A comfortably rich research botanist named Terence Morton (Gary Bond) and his diplomat wife Laurie (Barbara Kellerman) adopt a young boy named James (Matthew Blakstad), a replacement for the son they tragically lost. James is a polite youth, but his arrival brings with it some very strange happenings.
It's an average end to the short-lived series, but the acting is generally good and the predominant theme is well-explored. The ending, despite having some avoidable flaws, is also pretty dramatic. — 2½ living proofs out of 5 —

4 episodes, approx 51 minutes each.

Hammer House of Horror: Volume 3 of 4 (1980)

Rude Awakening
Denholm Elliott stars as an estate agent named Norman Shenley who gets stuck between a nightmare and a fantasy. On one side is Emily (Pat Heywood), his wife of many years, while on the other is Lolly (Lucy Gutteridge), the young, sexy secretary that he has eyes for. Norman's life is thrown into chaos when he's asked to survey a neglected manor house filled with fake cobwebs and accusing voices.
Directed by Peter Sasdy, whose Hammer credits include Countess Dracula (1971) and Hands of the Ripper (1971), the story plays around with what's real and what's imagined, hiding truths in the line between the two. — 3 bed roles out of 5 —

Charlie Boy
A timely windfall helps middle class Graham (Leigh Lawson) out of a financial pickle, but it comes with supernatural baggage; i.e. a hideous fetish statue - that's the totemic/juju kind, not the 'ooh, baby, spank me!' kind. Thereafter, we're treated to tragic events with ominous build ups that may just be coincidence but most likely aren't, because that would be boring. — 2½ travelling violations out of 5 —

Children of the Full Moon
A rather shocking opening scene (in any era, not just 1980) sets the tone for an entry that is by turns standard drama, creepy, gothic-esque, feral, and disquieting. The differing styles each serve a purpose and don't clash too much, thanks in part to the director (Tom Clegg) and the actors, including great work by Diana Dors.
It's an altogether classier piece than the previous episode, despite having a threat that's equally as overused in the horror genre. — 3 mutton broths out of 5 —

3 episodes, approx 51 minutes each.

Hammer House of Horror: Volume 2 of 4 (1980)

The Mark of Satan
Working in a hospital mortuary would be a difficult enough job ordinarily, but for new guy Edwyn Rord (Peter McEnry) having to deal with a philosophical pathologist and the hidden but encroaching forces of evil that are conspiring to destroy him makes it even more problematic. It's not just at work. Edwyn's home life isn't as secure as he'd like it to be. Dir. Don Leaver manages to accentuate the unease that the infatuated worker feels, transferring it to the viewer at the correct times and in the correct doses.  — 3 counts of evil out of 5 —

Witching Time
An overworked and stressed out film score composer (Jon Finch) has problems with women. Not only does he suspect his wife (Prunella Gee) of sleeping with another guy, but a fiery-haired mystery woman who claims to be from the 17th Century unexpectedly shows up and makes his life even more eventful.
Things turn more sinister in the second half, but overall it's not as good as the previous episode. The highlight is undoubtedly the scornful redhead, Lucinda (Patricia Quinn), who you'll maybe know better as Magenta from The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975). — 2½ cackles out of 5 —

Visitor from the Grave
A woman with a history of mental illness experiences a traumatic event when an uninvited visitor calls at her pleasant English cottage home.
It's another psychological story, mostly, with the 'horror' this time manifested as a morbid fear of slipping back into an unstable mindset and an equally debilitating fear of one's wrongful deeds being found out. It was my least favourite of the three, and is somewhat predictable, but the acting, particularly from Kathryn Leigh Scott, is enough to keep it from being boring. — 2½ chill pills out of 5 —

3 episodes, approx 51 minutes each.

Hammer House of Horror: Volume 1 of 4 (1980)

The House That Bled to Death

A haunted house story set in a modest home on a typical suburban street. The studio uses the lower budget to its best advantage; the familiarity of the surroundings being more relatable to many folks than an ancient and gothic castle on a hill. It strives for a perpetual sinister aura but falls a little short of the mark most the time... until the blood! — 2½ leaky pipes out of 5 —

The Silent Scream

Hammer Films regular Peter Cushing brings his talents to the small screen alongside another fine actor, Brian Cox. Cushing is a pet store owner. Cox is an ex-con, fresh from the big house.
The camerawork is solid throughout and there's an occasional dramatic flair from the lighting department.
It's certainty a horrifying experience for the characters, but is more of a suspense story for the viewer, even providing some audible triggers that move us closer to the edge of our seats each time they ring out. — 4 natural instincts out of 5 —

The Two Faces of Evil

Director Alan Gibson had worked for Hammer more than once prior to The Two Faces, but the single episode is without a doubt his best work for the studio. It's really amazing. I'll even go so far as to say it's almost Nic Roeg quality at times.
The hospital setting was beautifully lit and shot; the blinding white existing alongside the gray and black was reflective of certain parts of the story. I found the daylight scenes there intensely creepy; a feeling brought on by more than just the canted camera angles.
Like the previous episode, it's not cut from the traditional gothic horror template. It's a psychological terror experienced by a woman in her role as wife and mother as the world she knows and trusts begins to change. — 4 upturns out of 5 —

3 episodes, approx 51 minutes each.

A History of Horror with Mark Gatiss (2010)

A three-part TV documentary in which author/actor Mark Gatiss explores the evolution of Horror in cinema from a biased perspective. I don't mean that in a poisonous way; he's upfront about the focus, admitting that it's "unashamedly selective". I was personally disappointed that the German Expressionist movement was completely overlooked, but I found myself agreeing with his choices the rest of the time. There's only one film that I'd not seen, so I had to skip it. Why skip it? Because there's MASSIVE spoilers every time, mostly by showing the ending of each film. If you're comfortable with that, then there's much to enjoy.

Pt 1: Universal Studios: The golden era of American horror, Lon Chaney, Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, et al. The 'Universal Monsters', as they've come to be collectively known, reflected society's needs at the time. It examines the stories in a social context, exploring why scares that stopped when credits rolled were both thrilling and calming for different reasons. The episode contains mini-biopics of each actor, interviews with surviving cast members or their descendants, and an occasional rummage through the archives and props of the day.

Pt 2: Horror Europa: The second episode crosses the waters to focus primarily on the British horror industry, of which Hammer Productions were the most prolific. After Universal had run their Monsters into the ground with increasingly-weakening sequels and diminishing returns they allowed Hammer to have a go, expecting them to fail just as hard. But Hammer dug up the sleeping corpses and gave them new life in glorious Technicolor. It was within that framework that Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing emerged as genre greats.
The X Certificate promised danger and cleavage, so Hammer delivered. For a time, at least. The same waning of interest happened to them years later, but they carved out a well-deserved place in history right alongside Universal.

Pt 3: New Wave USA: Episode three returns to the States for a look at films by the likes of George Romero, Tobe Hooper and John Carpenter, men who pushed the genre further than ever before into realms of dubious acceptability. It gives the Independent films the credit they deserve while acknowledging that the Majors were also doing their bit to herald change with films like The Exorcist (1973) and The Omen (1976) hitting mainstream theatres.

3 episodes, approx 60 minutes each.

4 suggestive shadows out of 5

Stephen King’s The Shining (1997)

A TV miniseries directed by Mick Garris, based on Stephen King's 1977 novel of the same name. It's essentially the story of a family forced to confront the underlying feelings that threaten to tear their already not very happy home apart. The addition of a supernatural aspect turns the process dial up to dangerous levels.

Jack Torrence (Steven Weber), a struggling writer, ex-alcoholic and regular screw-up takes a job as caretaker of a remote hotel that's routinely closed over the winter months. He brings his wife, Wendy (Rebecca De Mornay), whose over-protectiveness of their seven year old son, Danny (Courtland Mead), is justified somewhat because young Danny has a gift, or a curse depending on your point of view: he can sense emotions, danger and even occasionally see the future.

The quiet, creative retreat for three that Jack was hoping for turns out to be more eventful than he'd predicted. The Overlook Hotel has many ghosts and they'd just love to get to know the Torrence family better.

The teleplay was written by King, so all the little things carry over in a natural way, such as Jack telling people what he thinks they want to hear because it helps him stay in the game; the accusatory glances and subtle, snide remarks orchestrated to recall lingering guilt; a mother's jealousy of the bond between her son and his undeserving father; and the changing mannerisms of each family member as the story progresses and obsessions take over.

The boiler room gets the attention it deserves; the actual boiler being symbolic of the raging monster inside of Jack, building in force until the pressure is so great that it needs to be manually released or the whole thing will explode. Jack's fury is vented in much the same way. He needs to 'blow off steam,' as the expression goes, or his anger will consume him.

The biggest change to the story is during the finale; questionable coda aside it's not radically different from the original but it's been rewritten, making it tighter and more interesting. It's one of the things that help keep everything from falling foul of the usual third act plummet in quality.

I'm not going to add to the 'which filmed version is best?' debate other than to say if you want an unsettling, finely-crafted cinematic vision then the Kubrick film fits the bill, but if you'd rather see a more faithful adaptation of the novel, with intricacies of character intact, then the miniseries will provide it. If you're open to the possibility of one thing evolving into two uniquely different things, get both.

3 episodes, approx 90 minutes each.

4 party invites out of 5

Coma (2005)

A South Korean miniseries set mostly inside a hospital that's almost completely abandoned, having been marked for closure. A young professional woman, Yoon Young (Lee Se Eun), is sent in to check insurance criteria are being met by the few remaining staff members, all of whom are reticent about why there's a single female patient still in the ward. The patient, Lee So Hee (Cha Soo Yun), is in a coma, unable to speak for herself. Why she's there and why she's comatose opens a door to a horror/mystery that leads to a dramatic and creepy conclusion. If you already have a morbid fear of hospitals, then you may want to avoid watching.

The building has ghosts: the dead kind that act independently, with long, face-obscuring hair and a grudge, and the haunting memory kind that are trapped in a moment, destined to replay a tragic event over and over.

Subsequent episodes simultaneously expand upon the sleeping girl's past and offer up new stories with new characters, each somehow tied into it. Within that framework are a small number of different time periods overlapping.

The narrative throws around a lot of what appear to be red herrings as it gathers the disparate threads together, but they weave into a satisfying conclusion, so don't get too frustrated if you feel a little lost from time to time.

It's lit in a very precise way. A lot of the time the colour is either drained out of the picture or the cold, murky appearance of the concrete is extended to every other aspect of production. The closest approximation I can think of is the aesthetic of most survival horror games: the flickering corridor lights, the shit-smeared and blood-stained half-tiled walls, etc.

An over-reliance on the now clichéd Asian horror sounds (clicking/grinding bones and scratching/shuffling corpse) was tiresome, but the series was aired in 2005 and that may have been less of an issue then. Had I been lucky enough to see it in 2005 I'm positive that I'd have liked it more.

5 episodes, approx 55 minutes each. The final episode is the best.

3 unsanctioned after hours operations out of 5

Masters of Horror: Series Two: Volume Two (2006)

The second volume of Series Two contains the final six episodes. Once again, there may be a difference in running order between the R1 and R2 editions. I'm using the UK R2 editions. NA also got a full season box that included both volumes.

To start, Tom Holland directs a tale of a group of aged friends who did something morally wicked in their younger days and are now paying the price. It has a creepy ice cream van driven by a clown, for extra clichéd woefulness. — 1½ out of 5 —

The second is by Brad Anderson; it raises the bar of quality, It's about a supervisor at a tech support call centre (Chris Bauer) who, due to a personal tragedy, has an acute sense of hearing that turns everyday sounds into a kind of nails-on-blackboard agony. Anderson's taught style translates the pains of grief and pressure of life into elevated minutiae to a troubled mind; and like in Poe's Tell-tale Heart, the device functions as a fully engaging driving force. — 3 out of 5 —

The third is by Peter Medek. It's a story that relies on a clear subversion of expectations, both in its opening scene and its main underlying contrivance that suggests a treasured American historical figure was less perfect than public records claim. The 'creepy old-timer' shtick served more than one purpose, but was so overplayed that it failed to elevate the narrative much. Scholars of US history might get some jollies from the notion, I suppose. — 2 out of 5 —

The fourth is by Dir. Tobe Hooper. Tobe is undeniably skilled at establishing unease, but, for me personally, the intentionally messy camerawork works against it, blurring the nuance and pulling me out of the moment. If you feel the reverse is true, however, then TDT might register high on your list because an impressive level of foreboding tension exists beneath that stylistic choice. — 3 out of 5 —

The fifth is Dir. Norio Tsuruta's Dream Cruise, based on a short story by Kôji Suzuki, who's best known in filmic circles as the author of the works that Hideo Nakata's Dark Water (2002) and Ring (1998) films were based on. Dream Cruise, as you've probably guessed, also involves water. The weak framing, stupid plotting, overplayed sound effects, shit acting, lack of music, and reliance on Japanese horror clichés make it an utter washout.  — 1 out of 5 —

And finally, Dir. Ernest Roscoe Dickerson's entry sees two thrill-seeking late-teens visit a funeral home to see a dead body, late at night, naturally, when it's at its most creep-some. The location is used well and the black humour is fun for a time, but I did lose interest before the ending rolled around. (It's perhaps worth noting that I had an audio dropout around the 33 mins mark, during the pizza scene; I don't know if it's unique to my disc or the UK collection, in general.) — 1½ out of 5 —

I wanted a change from the horror genre after watching all of those, so I didn't bother with any of the extras on the second volume. The blurb states there are more than 10 hours of them.

6 episodes approx 55 minutes each (345 minutes total), split over 6 discs.

2 pizza slices out of 5

American Gothic (1995–96)

Welcome to Trinity, South Carolina, home to ten-year-old Caleb Temple (Lucas Black) and his sixteen-year-old sister Merlyn (Sarah Paulson). The home life of the Temple children is far from happy, meaning Caleb's had to grow up fast. He may be only ten but he's a lot savvier than most kids his age, which is a good thing because his future is murky. Events will force him to take a path that can lead to either of two destinations, and that's only if he can fight the conflict that rages within him. His older sister will try to protect him, but she's got problems of her own; you could say she's got the worst problem anyone can possibly have...

One other person has a hand in Caleb's fate: Sheriff Lucas Buck (Gary Cole). Lucas is friend to everyone and no one. He'll give you what you want but there'll be a price to pay further down the line. He uses his position as law enforcer to manipulate and coerce the townsfolk; sometimes with and sometimes without their knowledge. What's even more sinister is that Lucas knows things no ordinary person could possibly know, and most of his desires don't stay unfulfilled for long. He's like a Stephen King character.

Alongside the children and Lucas are a moderate sized cast of regulars whose life is affected in some way by knowing one or all three of them. There's the good doctor, the slutty school teacher, the reporter from out of town, and Lucas' deputy, Ben Healy. Ben is a nice guy, but he's Lucas' subordinate, and while he has free will he lacks the courage needed to do the right thing.

The show suffers from a number of continuity errors that hit like potholes in the road; they don't cause it to go off course but they do make the journey a little less enjoyable, albeit only a little. The tug of war between the three main protagonists is always there, keeping everything else relevant.

NOTE: Both the R1 and R2 DVD releases commit one of the worst crimes imaginable when dealing with a story arc: they present episodes in the wrong order. There's some debate over what the correct order is, but most people agree that the list you can find on Wikipedia works. There are a lot of spoilers on the Wiki page, so I've reproduced the relevant info HERE to save you having to venture there.

22 episodes, approx 44 minutes each.

4 judgements out of 5

Masters of Horror: Series Two: Volume One (2006)

More of the same kind of hit and miss anthology stories from many of the same people that were involved in Series One. This first half contains the first seven episodes. There may be a difference in running order between the R1 and R2 editions. I'm using the UK R2 editions. As with Series One, NA also got a full season box that included Volume Two.

The first is by Dario Argento and is a strange tale of nature’s revenge on the sins of man. Argento finds an opportunity for some misogynist violence, so I'm sure he had fun making it. — 3 out of 5 —

The second is by John Carpenter. It’s more suited to his talents than his S1 effort because it’s a good old fashioned siege movie. He adds Ron Perlman, a rubber suit monster and Cody Carpenter music to the mix for extra good times. The DoP made a few odd choices, but mostly it’s a successful and non-biased approach to a sensitive topic. — 4 out of 5 —

The third is by John Landis and is typically blackly humorous. In S1 Landis slipped in a reference to his most famous horror film. Here he slips in a reference to his S1 episode during a fantastic opening shot. — 3 out of 5 —

The fourth is by Rob Schmidt. It’s a vengeful spirit tale that’s been done much better by the Japanese, but Schmidt keeps it interesting and it’s the only one of the seven that briefly offers up some actual scares. — 3 out of 5 —

The fifth is by Joe Dante, who seems unable to keep politics out of his MoH contributions. It’s about a very specific kind of plague. It isn't very exciting, but then it turns things around and finishes on a high point. — 2½ out of 5 —

The sixth is by Stuart Gordon. It ticked all the boxes for me. It reunited Gordon with his Re-Animator (1985) star Jeffrey Combs, who portrays a poverty stricken Edgar Allan Poe in a tale woven around Poe’s The Black Cat. Poe fans will happy-clap at the references. It’s visually striking because much of the colour is drained from the negative giving it an aged quality. — 3½ out of 5 —

The seventh is by Mick Garris, loosely based on a story by Clive Barker called 'Revelations' (from Books of Blood Vol IV). It’s a story about imagination and belief that should appeal to fans of storytelling. It co-stars Christopher Lloyd and Tony Todd (who looks like he just stepped out of Midian). — 2½ out of 5 —

Overall, the episodes are of a higher quality than the first half of S1 but the package is let down this time by extras that aren't as extensive as before.

7 episodes, approx 55 minutes each (393 minutes total), split over 7 discs.

3½ friendly neighbours out of 5

Masters of Horror: Series One: Volume Two (2006)

Volume Two of MoH contains the final six episodes of the first season. You can find information on Volume One HERE. As before, there may be a difference in running order between the R1 and R2 editions. I'm using the UK R2 editions. NA also got a full season box that included both volumes.

The first is by Dario Argento, adapted from a ten-page comic book story by Bruce Jones. It's about attraction, repulsion and the lengths some people will go to in order to sate their obsessions (or escape from them). — 1 out of 5 —

The second is by Tobe Hooper, adapted from a story by Richard Matheson, and stars Robert Englund! That's sure to be good, right? Nope. The fast editing and edgy in-camera effects rob it of any promise it could've held. — 1½ out of 5 —

The third is by Takashi Miike. What the fuck, Miike? It's the Japanese auteur doing what he does best. It contains some genuinely chilling imagery. It's also sadistic and will be deeply disturbing for some viewers. It loses half a point for not having the Japanese parts spoken in actual Japanese. — 4 out of 5 —

The fourth is by Larry Cohen, adapted from a short story by David Schow. It features a hitch-hiker, a trucker, and a slew of murder victims. Some nice camera movements punctuate the boredom but mostly it remains vapid. — 2½ out of 5 —

The fifth is by William Malone, an attempt to subvert the 'trapped in a basement' nightmare scenario by adding some reasoning to the whole affair. I think it could've worked well as a short story, but as a film, aside from the occasional surreal flashback, it’s mostly dull. — 1½ out of 5 —

The sixth is by John McNaughton, adapted from a Clive Barker short. It’s Haeckel's Tale, the story of a man of science and a necromancer. If not for the painfully disappointing ending it would be great. It doesn't try to reinvent the genre, but instead finds a different way of presenting it. — 3 out of 5 —

Like the previous volume, it’s the quality of the extras included (over 16 hours this time) that helps raise the overall score.

6 episodes approx 55 minutes each (345 minutes total), split over 6 discs.

3 resurrections out of 5

Salem's Lot (1979)

SL isn't the first Stephen King miniseries review on Nut Box, but chronologically it was the first ever adaptation from one of his books, so I guess we should blame it for starting the ball rolling. It was originally planned as a film, but someone clever at WB decided that due to the source text's length (400+ pages), it would make a better miniseries. Subsequently, as if to prove that respectful thinking and good ideas aren't the same as good business, some cretin butchered it, turning it from a two-part series running 184 minutes into a single theatrical cut running just 112 minutes. That's 72 minutes of footage missing if you go for the theatrical cut! My review is of the longer 184 minutes version.

It's the story of a man and a place, Ben Mears and the titular Salem's Lot. Ben (David Soul - the blond half of Starsky and Hutch), grew up in the town before moving away and becoming a fiction writer. He's the Lot's very own golden boy.

Childhood experiences shape the adult we become, so it's because of Salem's Lot that Ben is Ben, but he can't resist the urge to unravel the mystery of those early years. Doing so could shake the very core of why he's the inquisitive pain in the ass that he is, but Ben doesn't care, he simply wants to know if the house on the hill is the resting place of evil that he always believed it was.

The house has stood cold and empty for many years, but has recently been reoccupied. Hooray for convenient King plot devices.

What follows is a slow-build vampire story that explores the idea of what might happen if the creatures of legend actually existed and occupied small town America; Maine, of course.

Despite the orchestrated pacing of the story there's a distinct lack of unease or panic most of the time. There are a few exceptions, though. A small handful of scenes are genuinely creepy; they're unforgettable once seen and have become highly influential. Good work, Tobe Hooper.

The same drawing from the past that influenced the story is used in the aesthetic of the F. W. Murnau style creature design, which is good for a TV production. As is the music, which occasionally has a slight Hermann/Hitchcock aura about it.

Ultimately, it's a flawed attempt to modernise a classic genre but isn't without its eerie charms if you're not averse to late 70s TV production values.

3 window peepers out of 5

The Langoliers (1995)

TV miniseries based on Stephen King's novella from the book Four Past Midnight (1990), adapted and directed by Tom Holland. There's no Mick Garris this time.

Imagine waking in a room that had been filled with people before you went to sleep, but is now almost empty. You'd be slightly concerned. Imagine that room is actually an aeroplane cabin and the plane is still in the air. You'd be very concerned. That's the basic setting of The Langoliers.

Part One introduces the characters and sets the template for the way they interact. King's stock types clash with one or two that aren't instantly recognisable. There are ten people in all, meaning there's plenty of opportunity for conflict to arise. Being confined the way they are forces them to open up emotionally and reveal their secret, hidden selves.

The dialogue never sounds naturalistic; it sounds homogeneously scripted at all times. It doesn't take long to realise that all your attention should be focussed on what the characters say, not how they say it. They aren't just actors, they're players in a play that has a stage much bigger than the norm. Of course, that's just one way to look at it. You could take the opposite approach and say that it never feels real and that no one actually talks like that in real life. It's up to the viewer to decide. People who love the art of storytelling should understand. People who just want to be entertained, without needing to explore the mechanics of a thing, will likely find it lacking in any kind of value. I'm okay with that. Viewers that don't turn it off after twenty minutes are the people it was made for.

Part Two deepens the mystery. It continues the same level of ambivalence and frustration for the players. The danger level never really reaches threatening proportions, but the idea of the danger, the unknown factor just beyond the horizon, is really intriguing. It feels like an extended episode of The Ray Bradbury Theatre or The Twilight Zone. You want to get to the end of it but not too quickly because you know the tension is the best part.

Part Three is a disaster. Why do these kinds of things always fall to pieces in the third act? When the credits roll there's been character growth but the consequences of the actions taken to get there are weightless. With the exception of one individual, I got the feeling that five minutes later the survivors would go back to their lives and forget all about their time together.

3 episodes, approx 60 mins each (also available as 2 episodes, 90 mins each).

2½ flat beverages out of 5

The Stand (1994)

TV miniseries based on Stephen King's novel of the same name. It was a lengthy novel (either 823 or 1152 pages, depending on which version you have), so a miniseries made a lot more sense than a regular feature length movie.

I haven't read the book yet, so I can't comment on casting or get upset about how faithful it is (or isn't), but the teleplay was written by King himself, so I'm going to assume the characters are at least pretty close to his original text.

It's a traditional story of Good Vs Evil. The battleground is America (just when you thought it was safe to go back to Maine!), and the armies are the survivors of yet another unimaginative post-apocalyptic event.

It's split into four feature-length parts. Parts I and II were good. The many characters each get time to develop; it helps if you're already familiar with King's method of character building, because you'll recognise the types.

It was during the first half that I got to thinking that TV is where Mick Garris should be focussing his efforts, but then Part III happened. With everyone in their proper place and motivations established it was time to get to the meat of the story, but things started to unravel. A weighty action is undertaken that serves no purpose other than to enable a quick fix to be pulled out of thin air in Part IV. Did it make sense in the book? If so, then it lost that sense when it made the jump to film.

By the time Part IV got underway the situations were becoming ridiculous, the motivations unnatural, and the pace, which should've increased and become more critical, slowed to a soupy crawl. Both the story and the production quickly plummeted. It turned into a steaming pile of religious shit stacked as high as the hill of Golgatha, with a neon sign atop.

4 parts, approx 90 mins each (366 mins in total inc. credits)

2 biblical failures out of 5

Masters Of Horror: Series One: Volume One (2006)

Mick Garris, filmmaker, friend and critic of horror cinema assembled thirteen of the genre’s most celebrated directors together for the first Season of MoH. Each director was given one episode, lasting almost one hour. Volume One contains the first seven episodes. There may be a difference in running order between the R1 and R2 editions. I'm using the UK R2 editions. NA also got a full season box that included Volume Two.

The first is by John Carpenter and is the sole reason I bought the series. It’s occasionally interesting because it stars Udo Kier, who’s always fun to watch, but mostly it was disappointing and is uncharacteristic of Carpenter's work. But the music, scored by his son Cody, often feels like a modern interpretation of the classic Carpenter/Howarth sound; I liked that aspect. — 2½ out of 5 —

The second is by Stuart Gordon, an adaptation of a short HP Lovecraft tale titled 'Dreams in the Witch House.' I've not read the story in a long time, but I'm certain HPL didn't have a laptop in his. It tries hard to create tension, but the story is predictable and throwaway.  — 2 out of 5 —

The third is by Don Coscarelli and will likely appeal more to torture porn fans than it did to me. It’s a well-constructed split narrative that feels like it began life as a Texas Chainsaw clone, but it didn't do anything that we haven’t seen multiple times before. — 2 out of 5 —

The fourth is by series creator Mick Garris. Again, it’s interesting in how it’s presented (it’s told in flashback), but it’s the weakest of the seven stories. Garris also served as producer on all of the others, so maybe he was too busy to script anything interesting. Maybe.  — 1½ out of 5 —

The fifth is by Lucky McKee and stars McKee regular Angela Bettis. It plays around with conventions, and even when drifting into other genres it never loses sight of its goal. It’s horror comedy fun from beginning to end and is by far the best damn episode of this entire volume. — 4 out of 5 —

The sixth is by John Landis. Landis is known for injecting a large dose of black humour into his works, and his MoH is no exception. The story is plain ridiculous and goes nowhere, but it’s funny and the ever-reliable Brian Benben keeps it from becoming too much of a parody. — 2½ out of 5 —

The seventh and last is by Joe Dante. It seems as if every horror anthology needs some zombies, so Dante brings them. It’s referential to Romero and uses the Zombies as a vehicle for some kind of socio-political commentary, but it’s as dull as licking paint. —  1½ out of 5 —

Oddly, despite being ‘horror,’ none of the episodes are the slightest bit frightening.

Note: The sharp-eyed among you will notice that my final score isn't an average of all the others tallied, that's because the wealth of extras included, which clocks in at over 21 hours, helped raise it. Alongside the usual making of features, each director, except Landis and Dante, even provide their own commentary track.

7 episodes approx 55 minutes each (388 minutes total), split over 7 discs.

3 bugs before bedtime out of 5

Hell Girl: Season 1 (2005)

According to legend, at the stroke of midnight the website known as Hell Link becomes accessible. A blank page appears giving you a chance to avenge a single grievance, at a price of course. Type in a name, click send and damn them to Hell. Summoned by your injustice, Hell Girl Ai Enma and her cadre are let loose to torment and destroy the one responsible.

Like J-horror classics Ring, Kairo, and One-Missed Call, HG uses Japanese folklore and updates it with a technological twist. The stories are simple but at times heart-wrenching and when the wronged enter into their unholy covenant, it is truly satisfying to witness Hell Girl take vengeance on the accused.

While extremely formulaic from episode 1, it is the glimpses of the young avenger Ai Enma in her domicile which fascinate and lead you to ponder her mysterious origins. Through viewing several episodes you begin to see that she is not just a demonic entity. This opens up moral conflictions which make the latter half of the series the most watchable.

A break in the formula comes when two characters somehow linked to her past become aware of these deeds and ensue her in effort to stop them. This lends to the inevitable revelation of her shocking origin at the end of the series.

While the rigid structure of the show will turn off certain viewers, ones with a dark sense of curiosity will enjoy these tales of vengeance and the enigmatic origins of the one known as Hell Girl.

Buyers Guide:
Available in a 4 disc dvd box set

3 "Care to give death a try?" out of 5

Stephen King's Rose Red (2002)

There's something about Rose Red that I really like. It's a Stephen King miniseries that doesn't suck. Perhaps the reason is it wasn't adapted from a book; it was written by the author specifically for the screen and then revised over time to fit the extended format.

It's a traditional haunted house story built around a rich and intriguing history inspired by real life events, or at the very least real life fiction. It creates, and for a long time sustains, a suitably uneasy atmosphere that keeps the viewer attentive even during the lengthy exposition scenes. It's only in the last half of the third part that it begins to fall back on the cheap-shot, shock scares that any fool with a camera can do.

There's a large cast of characters, but King is experienced enough to give each of them their own space in the narrative. Two thirds have some kind of psychic ability, and while one or two do feel like they were included simply to offer commentary from a different perspective, he gives each one a unique personality and uses them to reinforce the story at opportune moments throughout. If they've nothing constructive (or confrontational) to add to a scene, they're pushed into the background so they don't intrude.

The house itself is also a character. The anachronistic hybrid of classic and experimental architecture sets it apart from the surrounding environment; it's as if the world outside decided it didn't want Rose Red any more, so it turned its back on her. But she didn't go away. She endured. She festered. She got hungry.

King started revisions on the script, originally intended to be a movie, shortly after his near-death accident. It was around that time that he began to more forcibly try to connect all his fictional works into one cohesive whole, meaning fans of his writing will see similarities and subtle references to earlier works.

3 episodes, approx 80 minutes each.

A prequel TV Movie called The Diary of Ellen Rimbauer was made in 2003 but it wasn't written by King. You can read about it HERE.

3½ dormant cells out of 5

Tales From the Crypt: Season 1 (1989)

Based off the spirit and essence of the EC comics '50s horror line, Tales From the Crypt season 1 is a scant six episodes, introducing us to the cadaverous storyteller the Crypt Keeper and his tales of the macabre. Each episode delivers the frights and gore peppered with the tongue-in-cheek dark humor which made the originals so fun to read. While not an extravagant season, it excels in casting fine character actors like William Sadler, Larry Drake, and M. Emmet Walsh to play the outsiders, wackos, and kooks which inhabit the show.

High points include "Only Sin Deep" where a struggling hooker pawns her beauty to the wrong man and in "The Man Who Was Death" a former executioner gives criminals a shocking end. The low point being the episode "Lover Come Hack to Me", a bloody and almost pointless affair of keeping one's love pure.

While abbreviated, the first season sets the ghoulish mood and humorous tone for future stories of the weird, the gruesome, and the ghastly.

An included special feature, the mini-documentary Tales From the Crypt: From Comic Books to Television compliments the set well with an in-depth look at the rise and fall of EC Comics publisher William Gaines and his horror/crime series. Comic book and entertainment insiders discuss the true story behind the success, downfall, and everlasting allure which the Tales From the Crypt comics created.

Buyer's Guide:
Available on a 2-disc DVD set

3 sinners get their pun-uppance out of 5

Kindred: The Embraced (1996)

Kindred could've been great if it hadn't been cancelled midway through its first season. It's loosely based on the RPG Vampire: The Masquerade, which is something I have no firsthand experience of.

It follows the safe and successful route of having a human form an uneasy alliance with a non-human, but it places them in a dark Noir environment. It eschews the usual gothic overtones that vampire shows usually have in favour of a more realistic, mafia style. It reminded me of Copolla’s Godfather (1972) in many ways; the main bad guy, Julian Luna, even looks like Part III's Andy Garcia.

Julian is the "prince" of the city; he oversees the five vampire clans, known collectively as the Kindred. Each of the Kindred have a different agenda and work secretly behind the scenes to attain it, but there are laws in place that govern how much they can do alone. Those same laws are designed to protect and sustain their anonymity so the humans don't begin to hunt their kind. That hiding in the open is known as the Masquerade. The five vampire clans can cause it to get a little confusing, but it gave the show a lot of scope for future story lines.

The biggest failing is SF Police Detective Frank Kohanek, the main good guy; his acting is forced and melodramatic. Mercifully, he isn't always the main focus of each episode and as it gets deeper into clan politics he's featured even less.

When Frank isn't in it, it gets good. It's still flawed, I've yet to see a first season of anything that isn't, but it gets more right than it gets wrong.

The characters (except for the aforementioned Frank), the city, and the Masquerade are all believable. If you want some vamp action that's not targeted at teens and deals with adult themes it's worth watching. Sadly, it was shelved after 8 episodes, so we'll never know how it would've played out.

8 episodes, approx 45 mins each (the first episode is longer).

3½ tears of blood out of 5

The Great Horror Family (2004)

From the Japanese horror maestro Takashi Shimizu comes this incredibly off-beat comedy series about an eccentric family that moves into a new home which is a hot-bed of paranormal activity. Not only does the series contain pale-skinned spectres but a multitude of odd creatures and occurences including zombies, curses, exorcisms, poltergeist-activity, and even alien encounters.

I discovered the dvd set at a Best Buy and as a fan of Shimizu, I picked it up but was inevitably disappointed by its approach. The production values are low and the characters' overly campy acting quickly becomes tiresome.

Throughout the series there are sprinklings of animation and for how wacky and bizarre the show is, it would really be complimented better in the anime format.

13 episodes.  Approx 25 minutes each.

Buyer's Guide:
Available as a complete 3 disc box-set.

2 opening sequence power poses out of 5.

Nutted by Borderline